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How to cope with your abuser?

Sometimes it looks hopeless. Needless to add that all these
activities have to be pursued legally, preferably through the
good services of law offices and in broad daylight. If done in
the wrong way - they might constitute extortion or blackmail,
harassment and a host of other criminal offences.

(1d) Lure Him

Offer him continued Narcissistic Supply. You can make a
narcissist do anything by offering, withholding, or threatening
to withhold Narcissistic Supply (adulation, admiration,
attention, sex, awe, subservience, etc.).

(1e) Play on his Fear of Abandonment

If nothing else works, explicitly threaten to abandon him.

You can condition the threat (”If you don’t do something or if
you do it - I will desert you”).

The narcissists perceives the following as threats of
abandonment, even if they are not meant as such:

Confrontation, fundamental disagreement, and protracted
criticism When completely ignored When you insist on respect for
your boundaries, needs, emotions, choices, preferences When you
retaliate (for instance, shout back at him). II. I can’t Take It
Any Longer - I Have Decided to Leave Him

(IIa) Fight Him in Court

Here are a few of the things the narcissist finds devastating,
especially in a court of law, for instance during a deposition:

Any statement or fact, which seems to contradict his inflated
perception of his grandiose self. Any criticism, disagreement,
exposure of fake achievements, belittling of “talents and
skills” which the narcissist fantasizes that he possesses, any
hint that he is subordinated, subjugated, controlled, owned or
dependent upon a third party. Any description of the narcissist
as average and common, indistinguishable from many others. Any
hint that the narcissist is weak, needy, dependent, deficient,
slow, not intelligent, naive, gullible, susceptible, not in the
know, manipulated, a victim.

The narcissist is likely to react with rage to all these and, in
an effort to re-establish his fantastic grandiosity, he is
likely to expose facts and stratagems he had no conscious
intention of exposing.

The narcissist reacts with narcissistic rage, hatred,
aggression, or violence to an infringement of what he perceives
to be his entitlement. Any insinuation, hint, intimation, or
direct declaration that the narcissist is not special at all,
that he is average, common, not even sufficiently idiosyncratic
to warrant a fleeting interest will inflame the narcissist.

Tell the narcissist that he does not deserve the best treatment,
that his needs are not everyone’s priority, that he is boring,
that his needs can be catered to by an average practitioner
(medical doctor, accountant, lawyer, psychiatrist), that he and
his motives are transparent and can be easily gauged, that he
will do what he is told, that his temper tantrums will not be
tolerated, that no special concessions will be made to
accommodate his inflated sense of self, that he is subject to
court procedures, etc. - and the narcissist will lose control.

Contradict, expose, humiliate, and berate the narcissist (”You
are not as intelligent as you think you are”, “Who is really
behind all this? It takes sophistication which you don’t seem to
have”, “So, you have no formal education”, “you are (mistake his
age, make him much older) … sorry, you are … old”, “What did
you do in your life? Did you study? Do you have a degree? Did
you ever establish or run a business? Would you define yourself
as a success?”, “Would your children share your view that you
are a good father?”, “You were last seen with a Ms. … who is
(suppressed grin) a cleaning lady (in demeaning disbelief)”.

Be equipped with absolutely unequivocal, first rate, thoroughly
authenticated and vouched for information.

(IIb) If You Have Common Children

I described in “The Guilt of the Abused - Pathologizing the
Victim” how the system is biased and titled against the victim.
Regrettably, mental health professionals and practitioners -
marital and couple therapists, counselors - are conditioned, by
years of indoctrinating and dogmatic education, to respond
favorably to specific verbal cues.

The paradigm is that abuse is rarely one sided - in other
words, that it is invariably “triggered” either by the victim or
by the mental health problems of the abuser. Another common lie
is that all mental health problems can be successfully treated
one way (talk therapy) or another (medication). This shifts the
responsibility from the offender to his prey. The abused must
have done something to bring about their own maltreatment - or
simply were emotionally “unavailable” to help the abuser with
his problems. Healing is guaranteed if only the victim were
willing to participate in a treatment plan and communicate with
the abuser. So goes the orthodoxy. Refusal to do so - in other
words, refusal to risk further abuse - is harshly judged by the
therapist. The victim is labeled uncooperative, resistant, or
even abusive! The key is, therefore, feigned acquiescence and
collaboration with the therapist’s scheme, acceptance of his/her
interpretation of the events, and the use of key phrases such
as: “I wish to communicate/work with (the abuser)”, “trauma”,
“relationship”, “healing process”, “inner child”, “the good of
the children”, “the importance of fathering”, “significant
other” and other psycho-babble. Learn the jargon, use it
intelligently and you are bound to win the therapist’s sympathy.
Above all - do not be assertive, or aggressive and do not
overtly criticize the therapist or disagree with him/her. I make
the therapist sound like yet another potential abuser - because
in many cases, he/she becomes one as they inadvertently collude
with the abuser, invalidate the abuse experiences, and
pathologize the victim. (IIc) Refuse All Contact

Be sure to maintain as much contact with your abuser as the
courts, counsellors, mediators, guardians, or law enforcement
officials mandate.

Do NOT contravene the decisions of the system. Work from the
inside to change judgments, evaluations, or rulings - but NEVER
rebel against them or ignore them. You will only turn the system
against you and your interests.

But with the exception of the minimum mandated by the courts -
decline any and all gratuitous contact with the narcissist.

Do not respond to his pleading, romantic, nostalgic, flattering,
or threatening e-mail messages.

Return all gifts he sends you.

Refuse him entry to your premises. Do not even respond to the
intercom.

Do not talk to him on the phone. Hang up the minute you hear his
voice while making clear to him, in a single, polite but firm,
sentence, that you are determined not to talk to him.

Do not answer his letters.

Do not visit him on special occasions, or in emergencies.

Do not respond to questions, requests, or pleas forwarded to you
through third parties.

Disconnect from third parties whom you know are spying on you at
his behest.

Do not discuss him with your children.

Do not gossip about him.

Do not ask him for anything, even if you are in dire need.

When you are forced to meet him, do not discuss your personal
affairs - or his.

Relegate any inevitable contact with him - when and where
possible - to professionals: your lawyer, or your accountant.